I’ve had an epiphany. One of those, “I’ve known the answer to all along, but didn’t know that I already knew the thing I should have known” epiphanies. Seems silly, and maybe a little childish and I don’t know if there are other girls out there like me who can relate to my elementary struggles, but here it is: I’m real. What? I know, it’s pretty mind blowing…and completely vague. So here, let me start from the beginning –
High school was a tumultuous time for me. I underwent some seriously heart wrenching mental battles dealing with my self-worth. It was a violent, faith testing fight, but I learned some invaluable lessons about thought life that carried me to sweet victory and have continued to aid me throughout the years. Leaning on scripture and what God has to say about me, I retrained my brain to think positive thoughts – and if nothing positive could be found after digging around inside my disorganized mind, simply to change the subject. Bringing life to the timeless Bambi-ism that charges halflings with “if you don’t got something nice to say, don’t say it at all”. I learned that it is equally as important to be nice to yourself as it is to others. As that popular Pinterest meme says: “Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when somebody’s mean to you all the time.”
After this, having full control over your thoughts sort of developed into my life’s anthem, my “theme” so to speak. As girls, our thoughts and emotions can spiral very quickly out of control, and I wanted to share with others my new found revelations. I wanted to start a revolution where girls took back control over their minds. A generation of women, who instead of feeling trapped inside a mental box of tormenting self-degradation, felt strong and confident in ourselves. Women, who knowing that with God backing us up, could be the boss of our own thoughts, and not the victim of them. But something didn’t add up with me, and I just couldn’t figure it out.
So fast forwarding to present-day, I’d come a long way since the dark days of high school. I think I’d say pretty confidently that I’m a nice girl. I strive always to be genuine in everything I do. How I am perceived is forever on the forefront of my mind, and I struggle to always communicate myself intentionally and with tact. When trouble arises I try always to remember to examine myself first, because that’s what I’ve been taught.
The thing is, that in all my seemingly sound strategies of communication and goodness, there has remained an invisible villain crippling me. There has been some evil and mysterious gremlin taking my legs out from under me, keeping me pacing around the same old lion cage. Occasionally scratching at the door of opportunity, but scolding myself when I do. I’ll call him the Me-Monster.
Me and Me-Monster go way back. You could even say we were BF4Ls (“best friends for life” for those less savvy on high-tech lingo). We’ve been hanging out every day for years. The things that we do together however, are usually not things that I’d like to post on my Instagram accompanied by a thousand excited emoticons No, my relationship with Me-Monster has been something very secretly hidden way back in the closets of my mind since we first met.
Me-Monster is this:
You’re so fake. Nobody believes anything you say. Everyone is always second-guessing your motives. How could you think you could be qualified for a position like that when you have such terrible thoughts? Don’t raise your hands during worship, you don’t actually mean it. Stop pretending. You can’t lead. If you step up, it would be prideful. If you pray over that girl it would be prideful. If you sign up for worship team it would be prideful. Stay quiet. Stay back.
This is my Me-Monster. A thief of life and ambition disguised as “humility” or “spirituality”. Wearing a cloak of goodness, he runs around your head pulling up every root of developing dreams claiming fits of “pride” or “attention-hogging”. Well dreamers, I’m here to say otherwise. I’m here to tear off the coverings of goodness and humility and expose your Me-Monster for the devil he is. Because that’s exactly what he is; the devil. I once heard from a great speaker that if Satan can’t turn you into an anti-Christian, he’ll turn you into a silent-Christian. He’ll dash your dreams, and any aspirations of being great in attempts to contain the almighty God-power shut up in your bones.
So here’s the truth: we were created to dream! We were created to strive and grow and learn and climb and be ambitious! God created us to be great and to be prosperous! And it doesn’t make you bad, prideful, arrogant, haughty, self-obsessed, self-centered, or selfish to think so. Because we are great, and we do have potential, and we have been designed pre-programmed with a world-shaking destiny handcrafted by the God of the universe!
So what is it that’s keeping you from going to the next level? Maybe it’s thoughts like mine, a chronic self-doubt. Maybe it’s something else. It’s time to let go of your Me-Monster, and start sprinting up the path towards greatness that God’s laid out for you. It’s time to be a dreamer.